What do you want to do when you grow up?

I went on the women's retreat with my church a few weeks ago. I really liked the speaker. Besides all of the important things like being theologically grounded, spirit-led and compassionate, she was real. What do I mean by that? Well, to start, she's on her 3rd husband. She had bad relationships before coming to Christ, and had really lived through some hard times with her kids. Of course I would never wish the type of life she had on anyone, and I don't think she's a "better" Christian because she's gone through some of the more technicolor "trials and tribulations," but sometimes it's just nice to meet someone who has a common life experience...someone who understands why you act the way you do, or believe things the way you do. Most people who have never experienced abuse first hand are unable to grasp those concepts, and understandably so...the impact abuse has on a person is made on the deepest level of a soul, which is why it's often so hard to get over.

During one of her talks, the speaker mentioned her son. Her second husband was physically abusive, and targeted his stepson most of the time. After they separated, her son did what most kids do, talk about what he wanted to do when he grew up. Except for him, it wasn't become a firefighter or an astronaut. When he grew up, he wanted to kill his step-father. No joke. When she said this, several women in the room looked shocked. Not me...it was a sentiment I knew all too well. While this wasn't my main goal in life, I day dreamt about what it would be like to kill my sister's dad. He made our lives a living hell for several years, and even after he and my mom were separated (and even to this day), he still screwed around with us. I never made a serious plan or anything...just thought about it. I sometimes wished he would come back and attack us one more time, so that I would be justified in shooting him. Don't know where I'd get a gun, but that wasn't relevant. This all happened to be at the same that several news stories broke about teenage boys killing their fathers for abusing their mothers, and they got off scott-free.

I think all this ran through my mind from the time I was 10 years old to 15 or 16 maybe...and I knew I'd never do it. But there was something satisfying about the thought of vengeance. Even though I knew God was in control, and that I needed to leave it to Him, I still dreamt about it. I think at that point, my anger, my rage, owned me. I still fall into hatred sometimes...and still sometimes wish my sister's dad to hell...but God's helping me make progress. I love the idea of grace & forgiveness...but sometimes I just don't understand it...or like it, depending on who it's applied to.

Anyhow, I didn't really set out to bear all of this...they say writing is cathartic, so here it is.

Divorce

I overheard an interesting conversation in the grocery store near my house today. An older man (in his 70s) ran into a younger man (in his 40s), of whom he had know his parents. Here's a snippet of the conversation:

Older Man: So, how are you? Are you married now?

Younger Man: No, I don't marry 'em...I just live with them!

Cashier: That's not what you're supposed to do!

Younger Man: Well, if I never any of 'em, I won't have to divorce any of 'em either.

Cashier: No, you need to marry them! When I graduate in a few years and become a lawyer, I'll need your money! I can represent you.


That certainly wasn't the reason I expected her to give for him to marry them. A sad sign of the times...

Thank you

Thank you to whoever it was that sent me a wonderful prayer of encouragement in the mail yesterday. I received it this evening, and it meant more than you know.

Praise be to God.

New House, Prayer List

I've been thinking of lots of things to blog about lately, but I figured I'd start with this: I'm finally in the new house! It's been an exciting few weeks being in here. The transition was much easier than I expected, but it's probably because I've been so busy I can hardly see straight. Lots of people cautioned me about how weird/scary it would be truly living by myself, but praise the Lord, it really hasn't been. The only thing that still creeps me out a little is taking a shower...wouldn't know if anyone came in or not...but, this too shall pass :)

I got to meet one of my neighbors yesterday. I think she's around my age, has a two year old and lives with her boyfriend in his grandparent's house. She seems really nice, so I'm excited to get to spend some time with her.

Now, some prayer requests for some of the kids in our 'hood. Lots of heartbreak happening right now...
-- 16 year old Y is in jail. She was charged with armed robbery, etc.
-- Twin brothers Z & Z are taking turns in a detention center for (I think) jumping a kid
-- 16 year old K is pregnant, taking the first step into a vicious family cycle
-- 17 year old T is in a destructive relationship, which weighs heavily on her family
-- A family we know has something going on that is having a significant impact on all the kids, but we just can't put our finger on what it is

All of this and lots more. Stay tuned.